I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
