Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
