Yo dont text me then not text me
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
