My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
