alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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