I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
