He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
