Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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