They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
