I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
