What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
