I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
