i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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