goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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