if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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