Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
