so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
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Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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