im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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