Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
