I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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