But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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