i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
