he wants to bone in the snuggie
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
