i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
