im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
