ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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