I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
