you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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