What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
