Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
