I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He shit in the fireplace
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
