I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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