Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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