you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
