How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
