and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
