I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
