So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i wish my penis had a tongue
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
