I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
vagina is talking i cant
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
