Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating