***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up