Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.