nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist