I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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