I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
