No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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