I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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