I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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