He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
