i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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