god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
