and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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