Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
