Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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