i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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