I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
