I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
