So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
