I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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