I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
